“Even After a Year My Heart still Hurts, the Longing for a Love is so Strong & so Unbearable”

A Year has gone by with the pain still inside me, the hurt and knowledge that I (Alex) have indeed hurt the one person that I ever LOVED till this day! Even when my home town was my sanctuary for awhile & you seemed to never leave my mind…for the first time in a whole year I saw you in Perkins & I felt a crush & pain of such magnitude that I have never felt with any another person in my life! Even though I write for myself, I still can’t get you out of my head & I can’t even stop thinking about you every minute of the day.
I know I hurt you and I know what I did was wrong and that no matter what I do or say or try to prove, I will never get you out of my head or life,…& you’re right… “It’s time for “ME” to HURT”…Just like you told James K, but don’t you think its time to give us(me) another chance & to let us Both try again & prove what we had is not a joke or to be taken for granted ever again in our life time!? I asked you to marry me & still wish you would. I Love you with all my heart & really wish you could read this and see what I mean and how sorry I am and that all I really want is just another chance in my life to prove to you my LOVE!!!!
“As one hand holds me back, My other pushes me Forward…My Love still shines for you & only YOU!! Please God give me Another Chance in my life with this angel to show her that I so still LOVE her!...I wish you could so read this and that you might give us/me that chance! In God’s Name I Pray!

“As one hand holds us back, The other pushes us forward. To resume our lives & find our selves even with distance to interfere."

Even though I’ve only met you twice or three times and even had the chance and privilege to hang out with you and have your company, I seem not to be able to get you out of my head…even with the distance between us, I acknowledge that it is far, but yet close in some sense. I still can’t seem to get you out of my thoughts. What makes it harder for me is the knowledge of knowing that you ask about me or that you might even think about me once in awhile, even though I can’t see you I still think about you and I think about what an ass or fool I made out of myself in front of you.
It may seem strange and even crazy of me to write this or as I may put this, “to even say”. That yes I may even be infatuated with you and I might even like you more then I lead on to let people know, but I really wish I would of least of met you when you lived here in town, or that I might have an opportunity to visit you.Even as I glance at your picture I still can’t believe how beautiful you are and how funny and sweet and smart you seemed to be from my point of view, but I leave everything to time and fate, so maybe we might have a chance and then maybe just maybe I might be able to show you who I really am and what I am really about, but until that time comes I will just have to have you as a friend...for I am still dealing with a broken heart & a never ending confusion of what I really long for in my life.

A healing heart is soo hard to deal with...but time does work everything out.

" Dear God, Hear My Prayer! "

Dear God,
Hear my prayer, for I am about to pray like I have never done before in my life. In an earlier blog I talk about taking my mothers advice a lil more to heart & listening to it a bit more then I have been. She looked at me today & asked what was wrong with me & of course it is the same thing again. I feel soo empty & heart broken. We talked & talked about it & of course if I go on about it in more detail I will be here all day & night with you. So I will break it down to the mean point of my prayer. After everything she said to me she asked me, & I qoute: " Do you really still love her & miss her? & Do you really want her back?". I then responded, Steph? All confused for that one moment. I looked at her & said yes & then no & then yes & no again. I finally looked at her & I answered with an open heart..." NO! " She went to ask me the question that I already knew was coming out of her mouth...so I answered right away before she could finish asking. " No! Cuz what I really want...What I really want is for her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now. Through your eyes mom & the eyes of God! That's what I really want Mom. So God hear this story & hear my prayer...let her be happy, no matter what that means. Thanks Amen.

P.S...I can at least say, that I was once a part of her life as she was of mine, & she will always be in & own a part of my heart!

Hey! Big Boys Can/May Cry Too....Well Sometimes...

Artist: Keith Urban
Song: Tonight I Wanna Cry
Album: Be Here

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me
the way that it was and should have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

oOOoh

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

mmhmm mm
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A small piece of my mind.....
I am baffled since I realized how convoluted and intricate the labyrinth of life is. Am I the only one in this quandary or does everyone go through this phase of life?
Yes, I am drunk...

Your face, it haunts... My once pleasant dreams

Evanescence

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

all of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Your face, it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

all of me

" Mother, There's only one, & I couldn't of have asked for a better One!"

I have come to trust and to truly take the advice of one person in my life time. That person would happen to be the one and only my Mother. She has come to be the only person that i respect & listen. I haven't done it so well for the last couple of years, but like she has told me over & over again, "The lessons & advises that I give you are to help you out. I know what I am talking about since I have already been there & have gone through some similar things!". So as I go from day to day & as many times as I might fuck it up, I say Thank you mom. For everything that you have done for me & given me in my life! But I will try to take your advice just a lil bit more to the dime. Thanks for Everything, Your Loving Son!


P.S...Only thing that I really wish you would do is not to worry so much about me, & Yes you were & are right, I might even grow up to be 30 or 40 yrs old or older, I will always be your lil'Baby Boy!!

One Last Speech...Or One Last Plea!?

This last Speech/Plea I write is to inform Myself, Everyone I know & don't know & especially You! That I did at one point in our life, promise you, that I would be only for you. As I hoped you would be for me!? I know & everyone knows that when it comes to me keeping a promise or having someone keep a promise to me, its very important, but I have a way to over see that & blow it off. "So why do I write this?", You may ask yourself'. Well, becuase a dear person that I love & care for has been hurt, but mainly becuase this person despite being unusually stubborn at times & unwilling to compromise & a sorta of a plain dresser is...she is like a promise that is true & pure, like a tiny star that is at the farthest point away from earth, but you can barely see her amongst all those other stars as she tries so hard to twinkle & shine in that dark blue night. She is like that promise & star... rough around the edges, but once you look closely absolutly beautiful & the only one of her kind. Even though I have said cruel things & driven her away, shes become the voice in my head & the fire & passion that still burns in my heart. I can't seem to drown her out. I don't want to drown her out, cuase I gave her my word that I would always have her w/me & because we gave our word to each other.

P.S... This is irrelevant to the Speech, but its an important factor. I never slept w/K.F. or anyone else that I'm being blamed for. Just thought you should know this!!